"His opinion does not define you"

The other day, I was mindlessly wasting my evening scrolling through Tumblr, when I came across a post, from Louise (Sprinkle of Glitter....if you don't know who she is, stop reading this and go discover her this instant!)...the post was this...

As soon as I saw this, it instantly gave me the words to sum up everything I'd been feeling for over a year, but had never been able to express.

You see, around 6 years ago, I became best friends with someone, and I couldn't have been happier. I was going through a hard time, and without him and another friend I'd recently made, I don't know what I'd have done. It was amazing, we were inseparable.

I was always a weak person, and clung on to both of them as tight as possible, I needed them. We did everything together, went through finding our feet after Alevels, wondering about our futures, applying and then dropping out of Uni..and we all supported each other through personal hard times.

However somewhere in all of this, without me even knowing, I began to become very manipulated and controlled.

He didn't like people who wore leggings...so when we hung out, I wouldn't wear leggings...

If he wanted to meet on Tuesday at 12pm, that's where we would meet...regardless of if I had other plans, could get there or wanted to go...

If we were going somewhere, I'd have to look up train times...

If he was hungry, I'd go and get him food...

If he didn't like a song, we didn't listen to it...

We did things his way.

What was going on? To put it simply, I was being sucked in by his opinions, his values and ultimately, I was under his power. Sometimes I didn't like what he said, or how things worked, but I never realised how bad things were, and even if I had done, I needed him, and was too weak to do anything about it...

Around 3 years ago, I moved away to Uni...to say I was terrified was an understatement. I didn't make friends, came home to visit every weekend and was on the phone to him crying all the time. 

Around a year and a half in, things changed. I found myself with a group of 6 friends, who I love more than life itself, and would be lost without. Slowly but surely, they brought me out of my shell, they loved me for me, encouraged me to be me...and I am a totally different person to the shy girl who started Uni 4 years ago. I was experiencing so much, things he'd never approved, so I'd never done before. To this day, I can't believe the transformation.

However, they also made me see what was going on at home...despite me proclaiming they were wrong, or it was all fine...I began to see that they were right. I wondered how I'd never seen something, that was now so blatantly obvious. I also felt embarrassed, as they could see it so easily, that meant everyone around me could see it too. I felt like a mug.

I've changed beyond belief, and although half of that was due to moving away, learning to live independently, starting a degree, making new friends etc, I also know that some of these changes would have occurred at home, if I hadn't been under his spell so much. 


Eventually, I decided enough was enough, things with him were getting worse, he began to tell me I'd changed, take the mickey out of what I was wearing, the things I did on the weekend and the person I was. 

My friends said he was jealous...jealous I'd move out, moved on, jealous of them and my new life. To this day I'm not sure... but what I do know, is that it actually has no relevance, because whatever the reason, his behaviour was not acceptable.

My extremely long fuse, had just blown. Words were said, arguments were had. I cried, he cried. Meetings were arranged to try and talk things through. 

Throughout this, my opinions and feelings were disregarded and manipulated as normal...but this time was different...I stayed strong. 

We said we'd give it time, less contact, more contact...but deep in my heart of hearts, I knew that was it.

It's now been a year and a half since I last saw him, and throughout that time I've felt guilty, needy, been drawn back into the friendship. More than once I've text him, we've spoken, we even arranged to meet...but I cancelled.

Why did I feel guilty?

•  Because as I said at the beginning, he picked me up from a very bad time in my life, and I'd have been lost without him.
• We had the best time together and the funny memories are not just ignorable
• 6 years is a long time and I felt I couldn't just leave it all behind

I could write a million reasons, but ultimately it comes down to this...regardless of how many positives there are...if you are letting his opinion define you...get out.

To this day, I still check his facebook, I still watch videos I have of us, I still miss his good qualities, the way we'd find the smallest things funny, the way we'd find joy in doing nothing, the way he protected me...but I find this has become less and less frequent, and I now feel more than anything, a sense of relief.

I won't lie and say it's not been hard, each time I missed him, or contacted him...I'd go through every emotion under the sun. But really, each time, I knew it was wrong, and felt stronger afterwards.

I also feel a sense of relief after writing this, letting it out, and although I'm extremely nervous about publishing this post...if I help one person realise the message...then it's been worth it.

Just to clarify, we we're only best friends, never anything more.. it doesn't matter the relationship (friendship, boyfriend, girlfriend, family member)...the message is still the same.

I still feel sad writing this, almost that I'm bad mouthing him,and what he'd say if he ever saw this...which proves I'm still under his control, just the tiniest bit, and to be honest, I'm not sure how long it will take to ever get over it completely...but don't beat yourself up about it, take your time, you'll come out stronger, you're the better person...I now feel 100 metres higher than he'll ever be.

Remember, nobody can be you, as well as you can. 

Ella.x